Age guide: 3 to 9 years. Make it together when everyone is calm.
When a child is upset, they usually cannot take in a lecture. What helps is having something familiar to turn to. These two projects give your child a calm-down toolkit they build themselves: a box of comforting things and a spinner of simple moves. Neither is a punishment or a time-out. Both are invitations to try something that may help.
Project 1: a calm-down box
Time: 30 minutes. You need: a shoebox with a lid, paper, crayons or markers, scraps of soft fabric, and a few things that your child finds comforting.
- Cover the outside of the box with paper and let your child decorate it however they like. Some children draw things that make them happy on the outside and leave the inside plain. Others add a place for big feelings too.
- Fill it with things your child chooses: a piece of soft fabric, a small soft toy, a photo of someone they love, a squishy ball, a drawing, a pinwheel to blow on.
- Agree on where it lives, somewhere easy for your child to reach.
- Practise using it when everyone is calm. Show how you might take the box to a cosy spot and spend a few minutes with it until you feel steadier.
Keep the contents larger than a toilet roll tube if a child under three could get hold of the box. Do not use the box as a punishment or take it away. It only works if your child feels free to use it.
Project 2: a spinner of calming moves
Time: 20 minutes. You need: a paper plate or card circle, a pencil, a paper fastener and a long paper arrow.
Divide the circle into five or six sections and write or draw a calming move in each:
- Smell the flower, blow out the candle: breathe in slowly, then blow out softly.
- Wrap yourself in a hug.
- Count slowly to ten in a quiet voice.
- Push against a wall as hard as you can.
- Stretch up tall, then shake out your arms and legs.
- One that your child invents.
Attach the arrow to the centre with the fastener so it spins. Take turns spinning it while shouting “I’m upset!” together, and then everyone does the move that comes up for ten seconds. It is silly on purpose. Practising in a playful mood means the moves feel familiar later.
Using the tools
- Offer the box or spinner, don’t command it. “Would you like your box?” lands better than “Go and calm down.”
- Follow your child’s lead. Some may dislike squeezing or breathing exercises. Others may prefer movement or quiet.
- Stay close. A calming tool does not replace a calm adult.
- It will not stop every meltdown. If big upsets are frequent or last a long time, talk to your child’s doctor or school.
For what to do in the heat of the moment, see tantrum or overwhelmed meltdown and responding to tantrums.
