Ask a struggling teenager what they are good at, and the honest answer is often “I don’t know.” Not because they lack anything worth naming, but because nobody has sat down with them and walked through it properly. A simple framework, built around three plain phrases, “I am,” “I have,” “I can,” gives that process some real structure.
Why this matters more than it sounds
Psychologists use the term resilience for the ability to manage setbacks and keep functioning well despite them. It is not a fixed trait some people are born with and others are not. It changes over time, shaped by experience, and one of the most reliable ways to build it is simply helping a person become aware of the resources they already have, and consciously use them when things get hard.
A teenager who can name their own strengths clearly tends to reach for them automatically in a tough moment. One who has never done this exercise often does not realise, in the middle of a crisis, that they already have what they need to get through it.
The three categories, explained
“I am” covers internal strengths: your personal traits, beliefs, and attitudes. Honest, determined, curious, someone who believes effort pays off, someone who values fairness. These are qualities that live inside your teenager, regardless of circumstances.
“I have” covers external support: the people and resources available to lean on. A caring aunt, two close friends, a teacher who actually listens, a sports coach, a helpline number saved in their phone. This category often gets underused, because teenagers do not always think to count other people as part of their own toolkit.
“I can” covers skills: the practical, learnable abilities that come from interacting with the world. Explaining how they feel clearly, asking for help when something is wrong, calming themselves down when angry, working well in a group. Unlike the first category, these are things that can be actively practised and improved.
Running it with your teenager
Start with a genuinely difficult situation they have already come through, not necessarily a dramatic one. A hard year at a new school, recovering from an injury, getting through a friendship falling apart. Ask simply: “How did you get through that?”
Then sort the answer into the three columns. If they say “I just kept telling myself it would get better,” that is an “I am” strength (persistence, or hope). If they say “my friend checked in on me constantly,” that is an “I have” resource. If they say “I made myself talk to the teacher even though I didn’t want to,” that is an “I can” skill.
Most teenagers are surprised, genuinely, by how much ends up in each column once it is actually written down. The exercise works because it takes something vague, “I guess I’m doing okay,” and turns it into a concrete, examined list they can see and refer back to.
What to do with the list afterward
The value is not in writing it once and filing it away. A few ways to keep it useful:
- Revisit it the next time something hard comes up: “What’s in your ‘I have’ column that could help with this?”
- Add to it over time, as new strengths, people, and skills show up in their life.
- Notice out loud, in the moment, when you see them actually using something from the list: “That was your ‘I can calm myself down’ skill right there.”
A note on honesty
Resist the urge to fill in strengths for your teenager that they have not actually claimed for themselves. If they genuinely cannot think of anything for the “I am” column, that is worth sitting with rather than rushing to supply an answer. A gentle follow-up, “What would your best friend say you’re like?”, often unlocks something they could not see from the inside.
This is not a one-time confidence boost. It is a tool a teenager can return to for years, in genuinely hard moments, because they built it themselves and know it actually reflects them.
