Tell your child they’re going to be a “sneak,” quietly doing kind or helpful things all week, while you play “spy,” secretly noticing and writing down every one you catch. The Secret Spy Game flips the usual pattern of noticing what’s gone wrong, and builds a week around catching what’s going right instead.
Why this matters
Families can fall into a pattern where the only behaviour that gets real attention is the kind that needs correcting, which leaves a child’s genuinely good choices mostly unnoticed. Deliberately spending a week hunting for good behaviour, and writing it down as it happens, shifts that balance directly, and children consistently respond to the extra positive attention by offering more of exactly the behaviour that earned it.
What you need
Nothing but paper and a pen, and a shared sense of fun about the whole arrangement.
How to play
Sit down with your child alone first and explain the game: they’re going to be a “sneak” this week, quietly doing kind, helpful, or considerate things without announcing them, trying to surprise you. Brainstorm together a short list of specific good behaviours to aim for, tied to whatever you’d genuinely like to see more of.
Then explain your own role: you’re the “spy,” and your job all week is to notice and write down every one of these behaviours you catch your child doing, without discussing it with them as it happens. Your child should do the same from their end, simply trying their best without checking in on how it’s going.
At the end of the week, sit down together and compare notes. Talk about how it felt, both to do the kind things and to be quietly noticed doing them. Most parents find they end up noticing considerably more good behaviour than their child even remembered doing.
Why staying quiet during the week matters
Resist the urge to comment or praise in the moment while the game is running, the whole point is that the noticing happens privately and gets revealed together at the end, which makes the reveal itself feel like a genuine, pleasant surprise rather than an ordinary daily compliment.
Keep it going
This works well repeated over several weeks, and once it’s established, it’s worth trying with the roles reversed, your child becomes the spy, quietly noticing and recording your own good choices, which tends to be met with real enthusiasm and gives them practice noticing the positive in someone else too.
A notebook, a week of quiet noticing, and a shared reveal at the end costs nothing and asks for very little extra effort, but it genuinely shifts what gets attention in a family, away from what went wrong and toward everything that quietly went right.
